Short Cut
by DamnSephiroth
Summary: The group find themselves lost in an unknown desert after Cloud suggests it would be a great short cut. The team faces insanity and many a beating from the pink menace.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry I haven't updated my other stories! I know I'm a horrible person… I've already started writing the next chapter for Blind Affection. I was writing this just to see how far I could go with it and I've gotten great feed back from my friends! So I hope you enjoy it! 

Disclaimer: Alas FF7 is not mine.

"Yes! I am Cloud!"

Aeris planted a swift kick to his face. "We fucking get it! Throughout our whole walk through this desert! Yeth! I am Cloud!" She said mimicking the blonde.

"Aeris don't you think that's a bit rough?" Tifa said putting her hand on aeris's shoulder.

Aeris took her hand and flung her towards a cactus. "Don't touch me, you loose bitch!"

Cut to cloud crying like a bitch in the sand. "WHY!"

Aeris was about to shove her six foot rod up his ass when Cid intervened. "It's ok Aeris… I understand."

"You, you do?" She said happy that someone finally understood her.

Cid reached into his pocket and presented a long wrapped tube.

"What's that?"

He seemed a bit taken back. "Well I mean… itsa… you know."

"What?"

"A tampon… for your period…." He whispered.

Her rod found a new home in the pit of Cid's back side. "It's fucking hot!"

"I feel no thirst because… I am indeed Vincent."

Cait Sith pulled a canester from his giant mog and drank.

"ARGH!" She screamed lunging at the cat.

Yuffie looked at the scene with terror. "Oh… my… gawd…"

In the end Cait Sith had hair missing and Aeris had many scratch marks on her face.

"Why are we in this desert anyway?" Tifa asked.

"Well." Yuffie said pocketing a summon materia from a still crying cloud. "Really there is no reason. The author must have thought it would be really clever to put us all in a desert in which we don't have any water and will eventually kill each other…"

A scene of Aeris chasing Red XIII went on in the background.

Tifa squeezed her obviously plastic breasts together, like the whore she is, and walked over to cloud. "Why are you crying you ton of sexy man, whom I'll eventually take full advantage of once the amazingly beautiful and nonplastic Aeris dies because I know I can never be the woman she is.

Cloud blinked in confusion.

"Oh, Cliff notes… um, I'm a big whore and Aeris deserves you."

"Oh…."

Barret laughed at the scene of his group, Avalanche, acting incredibly stupid. "Ha ha." He looked at the pipe he had in his mouth and inserted more bubble fluid into it. "Silly white folk. They can't even associate with each other in a peaceful manner."

"Fuck you!" Aeris screamed while pulling out what was remaining of Vincent's hair.

Barret tisked a bit. "Profanity, profanity fair Aeris."

There was that moment of complete silence in which everyone in the group turned their heads Barret's way. All shook their head slightly and Red even had to wipe a tear from his eye. In this short moment Barret had realized what he had done. He had fucked with a white girl.

In only seconds Aeris had flown through the air and landed in front of Barret's shaking body.

"What did. You say?"

But before the muscled man could even answer Aeris had ripped off his ass and placed it on top of his head.

"What did you say ass hat?"

Barret choked back tears and tried to answer without insulting the pink menace. "N-n-nothing."

Aeris had motion toward him and he responded with a flinch. "I thought so."

Hours had past and the group still hadn't been able to find their way out of the endless desert.

"Hours have past and we haven't been able to find our way out of this endless desert!" Yuffie whined while kicking rocks.

"Well if someone hadn't thought that this would make a great short cut we wouldn't be in this mess!" Aeris said accusingly towards cloud.

"But I'm cloud…"

"You mother fucker!" Aeris said leaping towards the blonde but was stopped but Red. "Get offa me!"

Red sniffed at the air. He followed the scent and found Tifa at the end of it. "Wow… you smell good." He said looking at her breasts.

"Ha ha! Thanks!" She said running off to flirt with anything with two legs.

Red groaned with uncomfort.

Night fall came and the group was still lost in this unknown desert. They set up camp when they found a large pond.

"Hey Cloud." Tifa said swimming towards him with her boobs floating.

"Hi Tifa." Cloud said looking somewhere else other than her face.

That whore giggled. "What are you looking at?"

"Your boobs."

"Oh! These old things?" She said arching her back to make them seem bigger. "I just had them done about a month before you came to the 7th heaven."

Aeris swam as fast as she could towards the two. "Tifa can I speak to you a moment?"

"Sure, Aeris." She said running her hand down her left breast.

Aeris led her behind a large rock and smacked that bitch. "He's mine whore."

Tifa responded with a quick punch to the gut. " I beg to differ you slut.."

"How. Am. I. A. Slut?" She struck with her rod at every word.

Tifa lay on the floor badly bruised.

"Listen bitch." Aeris said grabbing the the back of her head. "Cloud is mine."

"How do you know?" She said as Aeris released her from her grip.

Aeris pulled out a large book and started to flip through it.

"What's that?"

"A strategy guide. In this it records all of the conversations that take place between characters. For some reason I don't have the ending of disc 1."

"And what do you think you'll find in there?"

"Ha!" She said shoving the book into Tifa's face.

"What?"

"In this it says that Cloud's mother said that he should get an older girl friend."

"And?"

Aeris rolled her eyes. She's had to deal with Tifa's stupidity many times. "How old am I?"

"22."

"And cloud?"

"21."

Aeris stood there waiting for the brunette's reaction but it never came. Tifa just stood there waiting to hear more of what Aeris had to say.

"Oh this stupid, stupid whore." She muttered to herself and walked away.

"What!"

On the other side of the lake side was Vincent listening to music on his Mp3 player. He found a spot where he could finally be alone to express himself.

"I'ma Barbie girl! In a Barbie wooooooorld! Life in plastic! It's fantasic!" He sang while dancing with his hands in the air. "You can brush my hair! Undress me everywheeeeeeeerrrrrre!" He flung off his cloak and pants.

"Imagination! Life is your creation!" Yuffie said jumping into the song and dance.

Vincent squeeled. "What are you doing!" He said deepening his voice.

"Singing with you." Yuffie said smiling.

"I was NOT singing! I was… brooding… yes, brooding!"

"While listening to Barbie Girl?"

"What I do in my spare time is non of your business!" He said running off in a fit.

: D please review! If you guys like it then I'll put up more chapters while writing Blind Affection but if you don't like it I'll still write Blind Affection.


	2. Chapter 2

Hiya! I've gotten great feedback on this and I've decided to continue! I hope you guys enjoy this next chapter!

Disclaimer: Own Final Fantasy 7 I do not.

"Ew, I don't know what I'd do if I ever got an STD." Yuffie said getting herself together with the girls. "I mean have you ever heard of all the ones that are out there?"

Aeris nodded. "Yeah. I was so afraid to get them; I didn't even sleep with my old boyfriend."

"Oh they're not that bad!" Tifa said tying her hair. "I've had a bunch of them!"

Aeris and Yuffie looked at her with a mixture of disgust and pity.

"Yeah… I even think my name is in a book somewhere…"

"YOU LADIES READY!" They heard Barret say from outside the curtain.

"Oh, yeah!" Tifa said leaving but before leaving the tent scratched the upper inside of her skirt.

The group packed up they're tents and went on with walking the seemingly endless desert when they all heard very feminine laughter.

"What are you laughing at!" Aeris said threateningly to Cloud.

"I-it w-wasn't me!"

"Mmmmmmm, it was me darling."

The group members turned quickly and found their arch enemy Sephiroth in a beach chair enjoying a cool pink beverage. His tinted glasses and Speedo were a bright purple and his long hair flowed down his toned body. "How is everyone!" He said prancing up to the group. "Oh! You all look fabulous!" He placed a kiss on each side of their cheeks. "Oh it's been so long!" Pink lip gloss was visible on his lips.

The group stared at the "man" in disbelief. This was the Sephiroth that killed countless people? This was the black cloaked person they met on the boat to Costa De Sol?

He lowered his glasses. "Why is everyone looking at me funny?"

"Well… you look… different." Cloud said for the stunned group.

"Oh my god, you noticed!" His high pitched voice was unbearable. "I got a little bo done before my vacation!"

"Bo?" Yuffie said confused.

"Botox silly!" He said trying to gently pat the girl on the arm but sent her flying back. "He he he! Whoopsies!"

The silver haired man looked towards the sky and exhaled deeply. "I just thought I needed a vacation from my "I want to kill everyone in sight" rampage ya know?"

The group muttered in agreement.

"Yeah. The weather here is just super and even mother is enjoying it!"

The group looked over Sephiroth's shoulder and saw three black cloaked figures playing monkey in the middle with Jenova's head. He smiled.

"So what are you guys doing here!" He held the straw to his lips and drank.

"We're… lost." Red said.

"Oh! That's positively horrible!" He held out one finger. "One minute while I reapply!" He brought out a tube of sparkly pink lip gloss that was labeled "Oh so fabulous!" He used a compact mirror to apply the shimmering gloss then returned to the group.

"Do you like? It's a new color I'm trying! It's raspberry flavored! Yum!"

"It's really pretty!" Tifa said. "May I use it?"

A hidden evil grin came to him. "Sure hunny."

Tifa took his compact and gloss and applied it and smacked her whore lips.

Sephiroth started to laugh an evil yet high pitched laugh.

"You poisoned me!" Tifa screamed.

"WORSE."

"What did you do you sexy evil bastard!"

His laughing stopped for a moment and a flash went off. He fanned himself with a Polaroid and grinned.

"Gimme that!" Tifa snatched the picture and looked at it, desperate to find out what he had done. "What did you do!"

"Isn't it obvious?" He said snatching the picture back. "That gloss totally doesn't match your skin tone and you look like a fool!"

The group all looked at Tifa and muttered in agreement.

He sighed. "Sometimes I'm to evil for my own good…"

Short chapter but this is how I normally write. Please R&R!


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